
A friend of mine lost her father unexpectedly a few months ago. Death, coming unexpectedly, whether tragically early or seemingly without warning or cause, carries a different and heavy type of pain. My heart was deeply burdened for her as I sensed that not only had her heart been broken but her faith had been shaken as well. In times of greatest grief, we need the Lord, but it is hard to lean on Him when we are suspicious of His ways. It's hard to believe and find comfort while we're questioning everything we've been taught and professed to believe about His goodness and plans.
I lost my brother the same way. He just died one day for no apparant reason or cause. I was in such shock that I didn't cry until he had been gone 6 months. I remember that I questioned my feelings, my reactions, and even wondered what in the world God was thinking in letting it happen. Yet, through it all, I learned a few things:
~People are going to say some stupid things to try to comfort you. It's hard to know what to say especially if you have never been through it. It's best to keep it to a sincere "I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm here to help if you need anything." Grasping for wisdom to share that you think will make a difference is presumptuous at best and can be more hurtful than helpful. I quickly learned to appreciate the sentiment but to leave the words behind.
~Grief must be walked through, not avoided or questioned. It has no roadmap, no time table, no expiration date. However, the pain that grief causes does ease and dissipate over time as God heals those parts of our heart that are shattered. Grief comes in waves and will at times surprise us, but we must not let that discourage us or cause us to question ourselves. It will look different for every person so comparing our journey with the journey of others is fruitless. Bending to the expectations of others or comparing another's journey with ours is more damaging than healing and often adds insult to injury. Accepting what we feel, what we know, and acknowledging that we don't know an awful lot of things that we wish we did, is all part of the healing process. Healing and settling things in our minds are two different things, so if you feel unsettled in your understanding or acceptance, that doesn't mean you aren't healing. The most important thing is that we remain available to the Spirit of God through it all. He knows that we don't understand, that we may be misplacing the blame, and that we need Him, so He stays close even when we try to push Him away or plug our ears to His voice.
~When people die in the Lord, we can find comfort and hope in the scriptures that tell us that "we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope." If our loved one died in the Lord, we know that we will see them again. That, in itself, brings us a comfort the world is not privileged to have. And ultimately, if we could have one wish granted for our loved ones, it would be that they spend eternity in Heaven, no matter how or when they go there.
That word, "Hope", is not a shot in the dark, a roll of the dice, or an "I hope so." It is a certainty that Jesus Christ is the blessed hope and we have a surety in Him that His finished work on Calvary declared us citizens of Heaven. Our loved ones have taken up residence with Him and are waiting to see us again. Death for the Christian is a sorrowful "see you later", not a final good bye. This will bring comfort as you meditate on it.
~God's agenda is above and beyond my life's agenda. When grief is holding you hostage, it's hard to remember that we are not of this world. Our kingdom is spiritual, not temporal. This life is a proving ground for the next and in the grand scheme of God's design is just a minute piece of the puzzle. Scripture plainly tells us that we will suffer in this life. We will encounter trials and temptations and problems of all kinds. These fires of life are where faith is most effectively forged.
If I remember that God is faithful, that He is intimately involved in every detail of my life, and that He loves me with a perfect love, then I don't spend a lot of time asking God why? Instead, I ask Him what? What are you wanting to do in me, for me, and through me in this circumstance? Show me how I can see you more clearly through this and what will you have me to do with what you show me? For Your purposes are good in allowing it. You see the end from the beginning. You see the whole picture and everything you do is right.
It seems insane to run to the one that seems to be allowing these things. That is where our faith gets tested and we truly find out what we believe when the rubber hits the road. Honestly, this helps us to locate where we are in our faith and shows us areas that need to grow and mature. It's one thing to say "I trust God!" It's a another thing entirely to walk that out in the darkest times of our lives.
~It isn't wrong to ask God questions, as Mary did when she found out that she was to bear the Messiah. However, it is wrong to question God, as Zachariah did when God told him that he and Elizabeth were going to have a son. Mary did not doubt the word God gave her. She just knew it was impossible in the natural and desired to know how God was going to do it. Zachariah, on the other hand, doubted God's Word and His ability to give them a child and God shut his mouth until the promise was fulfilled.
When things happen that hurt us deeply and when we feel that we have been robbed by life in some way, it is hard to face the fact that for some righteous, perfect, holy reason, God allowed it. At this point, we can become either like Zachariah and question God's nature or doubt His character, or we can be like Mary and realize that His way's are higher than ours and allow God to work His purpose in us through it.
The Lord took me to Ps. 5:4 that says, "For you are not a god who takes pleasure in wickedness; No evil can dwell with you." And I realized that I was subconsciously accusing God of evil. That is why I was so miserable. I spent many weeks meditating on these three things: God is Good. God is good to me. God is good at being God. (Lysa Terkeurst) From her book "Uninvited."
The old song says, "We'll understand it better by and by." And we will. But until then we must trust in that love that loved us so much that it cost God His Son. That alone is really all we need in this life and it is enough if we will press on to know Him fully.