It's been one month since you fell into your forever sleep. My heart is still broken. I had hoped it would be a little easier by now, but it's not. There is always at least one big hole in my day that you used to fill. I think of you everyday. I miss you everyday. When we laid together on that cold floor at the animal hospital to say our goodbyes, I told you that I would love you everyday for the rest of my life, and oh, how painfully well I have kept that promise. I will never forget your last act on earth was to look for me right before you closed your eyes forever. I hope you sensed me there with you and heard my voice telling you one last time what a good boy you were and how happy you made me.
At times it seems as if you were just a dream and were never really here taking up real estate, howling and snoring in your sleep while your jowls flapped up and down with every breath, and shaking the whole room with your "ruff!" when you needed to go out. But then I find a toy you stashed away somewhere, or a white fluff ball of hair will appear out of nowhere and I remember that you really did live here with us and all the wonderful memories I have of you were not a fairy tale or a dream, but times that we actually shared with you. I know in time those memories will bring me comfort, but not yet, Kai. You are still so much a part of my life that is missing.
I found a toe nail clipping the other day. I kept it. I couldn't bring myself to throw it away. That's silly I know, but you have to admit, you had very impressive toe nails. Your pawprint from the vet is on my nightstand, what part of it they could fit onto the plaster, that is, and an ornament of your face hangs on the on/off switch of my bed lamp. I say "goodnight sweet boy" to you every night when I turn it off just as I did when you were sleeping beside my bed. It feels like you are somewhere and I still expect you to show up here one day. It bothers me to think of you as nowhere, which is what I always believed about animals but since you've gone, I hope that I've thought all wrong and that there really is a rainbow bridge that dogs like you cross to await a reunion with your owners. If there is, I'm sure that you've met Abby and Hershey and Cocoa and Zoe, who were all so special to me, but, honestly, pale in comparison to you. I had most of them a long time but somehow you managed to pack a lifetime of love into 2 1/2 short years. You were so very much a part of my life. You were one of the best parts of my life.
I wonder if there will really ever be a day when my heart doesn't long for you. I can't imagine that I will ever get over losing you but I am so grateful that I had you. You were just what my heart needed. You taught me so much about pure, genuine love. I argued hard with God that I still needed you, but God, in His love and perfect plan knew that it was your time to go and I have to trust Him in that. So, goodnight, my sweet boy and thank you Kai for all that you gave me.
At times it seems as if you were just a dream and were never really here taking up real estate, howling and snoring in your sleep while your jowls flapped up and down with every breath, and shaking the whole room with your "ruff!" when you needed to go out. But then I find a toy you stashed away somewhere, or a white fluff ball of hair will appear out of nowhere and I remember that you really did live here with us and all the wonderful memories I have of you were not a fairy tale or a dream, but times that we actually shared with you. I know in time those memories will bring me comfort, but not yet, Kai. You are still so much a part of my life that is missing.
I found a toe nail clipping the other day. I kept it. I couldn't bring myself to throw it away. That's silly I know, but you have to admit, you had very impressive toe nails. Your pawprint from the vet is on my nightstand, what part of it they could fit onto the plaster, that is, and an ornament of your face hangs on the on/off switch of my bed lamp. I say "goodnight sweet boy" to you every night when I turn it off just as I did when you were sleeping beside my bed. It feels like you are somewhere and I still expect you to show up here one day. It bothers me to think of you as nowhere, which is what I always believed about animals but since you've gone, I hope that I've thought all wrong and that there really is a rainbow bridge that dogs like you cross to await a reunion with your owners. If there is, I'm sure that you've met Abby and Hershey and Cocoa and Zoe, who were all so special to me, but, honestly, pale in comparison to you. I had most of them a long time but somehow you managed to pack a lifetime of love into 2 1/2 short years. You were so very much a part of my life. You were one of the best parts of my life.
I wonder if there will really ever be a day when my heart doesn't long for you. I can't imagine that I will ever get over losing you but I am so grateful that I had you. You were just what my heart needed. You taught me so much about pure, genuine love. I argued hard with God that I still needed you, but God, in His love and perfect plan knew that it was your time to go and I have to trust Him in that. So, goodnight, my sweet boy and thank you Kai for all that you gave me.
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