My hubby and I were somewhere in public when a woman touched him inappropriately.  He and I  were so shocked we didn't know what to do.  I'm not sure our reactions were entirely appropriate either, but hey, how much time do you spend planning what you would do if this happened to you?  Usually when people know that my husband is a minister, they do treat him with a little respect.  I don't think goosing him in the butt is respectful to him as a minister and certainly not respectful to me as his wife.  That tukus belongs to me and me alone and I'm very possessive of it!  LOL! 

It just got me to thinking of women who have attended our church in the past who interacted inappropriately with my husband.  As a wife, I find it my solemn duty and privilege to be on the front lines when it comes to praying for my husband about the temptations that the devil may bring through other women.  One thing I've noticed through the years is that when the Holy Spirit prompts me to pray about this issue, it never raises suspicion in my mind or heart that my husband is doing something wrong.  The Bible clearly states that "we are not ignorant of the devil's schemes", and history has certainly proven that bringing this type of temptation has taken many a minister completely out!  So I view this type of prayer for him as preventative, not reparative.  I also feel privileged to be in the position of holding the responsibility of guarding the man of God in this way.  Just as no one else can meet the physical needs of my husband, no one can really pray the way I can for him concerning this temptation either.  I see myself as his spiritual body guard and I feel a sense of honor to be in that position.  By guarding him, I am also helping to guard the flock that he shepherds and I like that.  

Through the years, I have noticed that there are 3 kinds of women that have a tendency to act inappropriately with my minister husband.  You may be able to identify other kinds, but these are the 3 that I have seen as we have been in ministry.  

• The first kind I just call the innocents.  They are usually, but not always,  fairly young in the Lord.  They are usually not happy in their marriages and often unequally yoked.  They have a respect for the ministry on some level and often look at my hubby as the perfect mate or a better mate.  In their minds, a pastor is just a cut above all the rest of the men in the world and they desire to know and relate to him because they are intrigued by him or desirous of the characteristics that, in their minds, he possesses.  In him they see the things they should be receiving from the men in their lives but aren't.  Because they don't know any other way to gain proximity to a man, they knowingly or unknowingly flirt with him in an attempt to get nearer.  These kinds of women really don't bother me much.  I see them more as children who wait in line to see Santa Claus or a sports hero.  They are misguided and misinformed, but are not maliciously trying to destroy a marriage.  I do make sure that I am always beside my husband when he is engaged with these women in any way-both for his and their own protection. With a little discipleship and care, these women soon fall into proper relationship with their pastor and become a tremendous blessing in the body.  Once I figured this out, it was a lot easier for me to minister to these women. 

• The second kind of women I have observed are those with a spirit of lust. Because they are controlled by a lustful spirit, they see my husband's position as something to be desired and they lust for the power they feel they would have by being involved on a deeper personal level with him. Lust comes in 3 forms according to scripture, lust of the eyes, lust of the flesh and the pride of life.  It is indiscriminate about what it lusts for, but when fully developed in the heart of any person, it will use sexuality as a means to satisfy it's end.  Lust is a consumer.  It consumes the person it possesses and attempts to consume anything it puts it's attention on.  Women with this spirit are usually very well groomed and attractive.   They demonstrate an exaggerated amount of respect for the position that a pastor holds that is almost nauseating.  They are usually very flirtatious -but in a subtle way, very flattering and they say crude things all under the guise of being transparent.  One woman approached my husband when he was alone at the front of the church and asked him to pray for her crabs!  Then she wanted him to come to her house one afternoon for counseling.  He went, but because he is wise he took 2 staff members (one which was also a woman) with him.  She was alone in the house and was angry that he brought others with him.  Obviously, she was up to no good.  Towards me, she was demeaning and haughty.  Given a little more time she will develop into the third, and most dangerous type of woman that preys upon a Pastor.  

• The third type of woman is what is commonly known as a Jezebel.  Many books have been written warning Pastors of these types of women.  Just Google "Jezebel Spirit".  I have personally encountered several of these women, some in the early developmental stages and others very well developed.  Keep in mind that Jezebel needs an Ahab to operate, that Ahab being your husband.  This is why we need strong, discerning men behind the pulpit.  In our case Jezebels sought to separate me from my husband and the rest of the women in the congregation.  Behind my back they found fault, "discerning" my spiritual weaknesses and making me look more like a detriment to the ministry than a blessing.  Then they would befriend me under the guise of "helping" and continue on with their agenda by trying to make me second guess myself making me appear weak to my husband, which then furthered what they were communicating to my husband.  In our case, one of these women was on staff which was the perfect place for her to work her evil.  Once they sense any weakening of the Pastor in any way, they play on that to gain control eventually by either having more influence with the congregation than the Pastor or they end up splitting the church (which did happen in our case).  What clued me in eventually was that people always thought that she was my husband's wife when they visited the church, or we went out to eat in a group.   We even got mail addressed to her and my husband together.  Secondly, she would call me out of a service and have "a word from God" for me that would be demeaning and embarrassing that she would declare to me in front of the whole congregation.  While she was telling me one thing, she was telling the women in the church the opposite.  Because I was naive to these types of women, I took what she said to heart which caused me to separate myself from those God had given me to minister to.  Fortunately, it caused me to run to God and not to her.  God began to work in my heart.  I started to know things by the Spirit of God and realized that her "prophecies" were always things  I was dealing with in my flesh that were directly opposed to what God was doing in my spirit and I came to realize that she was up to no good.  In fact, I knew this a full year before things finally came to a head and  she left.  She always was telling me the opposite of what God was speaking to me in prayer.  When she thought that I was sufficiently out of the way, then she started to try controlling my husband by presenting herself as his sounding board, replacing the position I once had occupied.  She made a few fatal mistakes though and left when she realized that her plan would never work, but not before she split our church and left us with a bunch of bleeding, hurting people.  Most writers on this subject would have given our church about a 2% chance of surviving the havoc she had wreaked, but by God's grace we did and are stronger and healthier than ever!   The other women not as developed in this craft that we encountered in ministry came  after this staff member and because we recognized what spirit they were of immediately, they never hung around long. 

Now I don't advocate knit picking through every interaction that every woman at the church has with your husband.  Don't become paranoid.  Use discernment and when something doesn't feel right, take a second look, rather pray a second prayer.  And don't even try to do this if you are not in right relationship with your husband, first as your husband and secondly as your Pastor.  Any insecurities you have will color and cloud your ability to rightly discern and you could end up hurting your marriage or an innocent congregation member.  We take precautions to insure that my husband does not find himself in an awkward position.  Maybe I'll write about those in the future.

I have learned to trust my gut but before I ever say anything, I spend extended times in prayer to make sure that I'm not operating out of my own insecurities or jealousy.  We learned in the lawn business that moss only grows where grass cannot.  These types of women can only operate successfully where there is spiritual weakness, ignorance, and lack of discernment.  They are exceptionally dangerous because they do not only hurt the Pastor and his wife, but can negatively affect the whole body.  As a Pastor's wife, I work to remain strong, grounded, and secure in my relationship with God and my husband so that when situations like these arise, I am not a victim and I can help protect the rest of the body that the Lord has entrusted to our care.  

One of the most telling things that exposes the true feelings of a person is their body language.  In fact, whenever I have the opportunity to go and hear a preacher, the first thing I do is identify his wife and watch her for awhile.  You see, I've been a Minister's wife for nearly 30 years so I've gotten to know a lot of ministry wives and I've become familiar with the kind of body language they use around their husbands and when they are sitting in the pew listening to their husbands.  I'm not a body language expert, but I am pretty intuitive-a gift from God, I guess- and I can pick up alot just by watching a person.  It's not rocket science ladies.  We should watch our body language.  What do you do when in a discussion with church members and your husband says something you don't agree with?   Do you open your mouth and openly disagree?  Do you roll your eyes, put your hands on your hips or make a face?   When you are at odds with your hubby (which should never happen on a Sunday morning because you never let the sun go down on your anger, right?) do you look away from him or look down when he's in the pulpit?  It only makes sense that if we, as Pastor's wives, know to watch other Pastor's wives, congregation members know enough to watch us. 

I'm not advocating being a Stepford wife or your  hubby's yes man. I'm not advocating being hypocritical.   What I am advocating is common sense, support of your husband, and prudence in dealing with your husband when you don't agree or at odds.  You see, if you communicate displeasure or frustration in front of members, you are opening the door for disrespect to develop.  This makes ministry much more difficult.  We all know our husband's weaknesses, dislikes, and failings but just as we hope that our husbands don't expound on ours from behind the pulpit, we should not communicate his when in front of the pulpit. 

When my hubby and I disagree about something concerning ministry, I always, always, always concede to his way of thinking.  You see, he is the Pastor, not me.  He is the one God has gifted to lead, not me.  He is the one God speaks to, for the most part, about the church.  At best, I maybe expand his area of thought or act as confirmation, but ultimately I am not the Pastor, he is.

I often think of the Proverbs 31 woman.  Her husband was a man in a position that required and demanded respect.  Part of the reason that he was so well respected had to do with the character and actions of his wife.  She "did him good" and "his heart trusted" in her.  Only a man worthy of respect would have chosen a woman like her.  Only a woman of impeccable character would shine so brightly that her glow would warm and illumine the good character of her husband as well. 

R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Find out what it means to me
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Take care, TCB
(R-E-S-P-E-C-T sung by Aretha Franklin)


Why in the world am I thinking about this song?  Because, I was thinking about the word r-e-s-p-e-c-t.  As Minister's wives, we often lament at the lack of respect congregation members or staff give our husbands.   Reasons for lack of respect range from rebellion to ignorance in almost any congregation.  What is really damaging is that it is most often a learned response, so once it is present in a body, it spreads, mostly because it appeals to the fleshly nature that we all battle.  Disrespect can come from anywhere-the Worship Leader, an Associate Pastor, the deacon board, a lay minister, congregation members and yes, ladies, even from the Pastor's wife!  Perhaps, at times, we are the most disrespectful of all. 

Through the last 28 years of ministry, I've observed a lot of behaviors in Pastor's wives and sadly, in myself, that did not honor my husband in his position as Pastor and certainly not as my husband either.  We can probably all say that we've had at least one apple out of that bag.  If I had been willing to admit my disrespect, I would have qualified it by saying that I wasn't trying to be purposely disrespectful, but mostly I just refused to admit that I had been.  I mean, when you're right, you're right...Right?

In my next couple of blogs, I am going to reveal ways in which I and other Minister's wives have been guilty of disrespect.  Truly,  if we expect others to respect and appreciate our husbands, then we must do the same.  I hope you are wearing steel-toed boots because I am most assuredly going to step on some toes!  Better yet, let your dogs breathe because we need to feel every stomp!

You might recognize this saying from the long popular show The A- Team.  The show was about some military buddies "gone rogue" in defense of justice and personal liberty.  It was quite entertaining.  What made it so was the character personality combination.  There was Hannibal Smith, the cigar sucking mastermind and leader.  Then there was Face, the suave, debonair forerunner who would set things up to the team's advantage.  Murdock was the zany psychotic pilot and "procurement officer" who supplied materials and air transportation and BA Baraccus, "the enforcer".  Can you guess which one is which?  Each had his function and together they made up an unstoppable team, thus the name, The A-Team. 

Now you are probably wondering what in the world does this have to do with ministry?  Everything!

Sometimes as ministers/minister's wives we get into that vein that we have to do or be involved or at least be informed of everything going on in the church.  Unfortunately we fail to realize that many times we are working outside of our spiritual skill set.  Oh, we may have a lot going on at church but the level of effectiveness suffers because ladies we are not Wonder Woman!  

We pastor a small church.  For years I was the Worship Team Director, a small group leader for the ladies Bible study and the campus Bible study, a Sunday school teacher, and the Worship leader for children's church.  At the time I had four children at home, three of which were small.  My whole life revolved around what was going on at church because there was either no one to do it or no one that I thought could do it as well as I could.  I lived by the code "you do what you have to" justifying it in the spiritual cloak of being a "helpmate" to my husband, the Pastor.  Somehow I managed all this for many years but it soon became evident to me that I spent all my time preparing for my next meeting while preparations for my final meeting were suffering.  So what did I do?  I quit!  I took some time, humbled myself before God and asked "Lord, what would YOU have me to do in YOUR church? What are my gifts?  Where do I fit?"    It was not easy because I had to hand over some responsibilities to people who I knew would do things differently than I would.  And one group just fell by the wayside altogether.  Did the church shrivel up and die?  Much to my surprise, it didn't.  In fact, in most ways, it is thriving!  By my stepping out of the way, it allowed others to step up and be used by God in their giftings now that my sorry tukus was out of the picture.

One group that had been meeting is still not meeting and I have heard many comments from the members of group lamenting that fact but I just don't feel it's something that the Lord wants me to be doing.  I'm waiting for the Lord to lay the burden on someone's heart who is gifted and can give it the time it deserves.  And it's not because there is no one who could do it either.  After 10 years in a prayer/Bible study group, any of the members should at least have a basic understanding of what elements are involved, but still no one has stepped up to fill that void--at least until now.  This tells me that it was not as effective as I had hoped it was or that is just was not that important.

In the past two months there have been a few "ladies meetings."  Are they what they used to be when I led them?  Not at all but they are providing a much needed Biblical element to relationships between the women of our church.  What is even more exciting is that they are being initiated by the younger women in our body, ladies who I still view as "kids" because I watched them grow up in our church.  (Note:  These "kids" are now married and have children of their own!  LOL!  I guess I refuse to acknowledge it because it would remind me that I'm getting old!)  LOL!  I see the wisdom, timing and provision of God as HIS plan is starting to come together.  And I must add that it is so refreshing for me to attend a meeting that in no way am I responsible for planning and to just sit and watch how the Lord is been working in the hearts and lives of these kids-turned-adults.   Some of them are really getting it and as part of a minister's family, nothing could be more gratifying.  The torch has been passed!  I also realize that our church has moved from one era to another, with this era being more Biblically correct in it's structure and that thrills my soul! 

Moral of the story?  Ladies, what would you do in the church if you were not the Pastor's wife?  Do it!!  What would you never do in a million years?  STOP doing it!!  What is God asking you to do?  What can you do in the Biblical definition of being a "helpmate" to your husband within the structure of the church?  Do it but don't allow your pride the satisfaction of thinking that you are indispensable because you're not.  We are all part of a team and when we find exactly where we are meant to function we will do it effectively and successfully.  The Kingdom of God will be enlarged and advanced-all to the glory of God which is the goal of our mission!