The funny thing is that the situation has never really been under my control in any sense. The consequences of it just landed squarely in my lap like a meterorite the size of Texas falling from the sky and it left me crushed beneath the weight of it and as any normal human would do, I went into self-preservation mode in an attempt to salvage what part of my heart was still left and tried to put a strategy in place to guard my heart so it could heal and hopefully never be in that position again. It's human nature.
Unfortunately, in trying to understand what had happened, I questioned God, wondering why He had allowed something like this to happen and eventually questioning His goodness and the power of prayer. And you know what? God never left me, even when I was upset with Him. He gently pulled me back and entered into my everyday life in a new and wonderful way. As we walked the healing road together, He would reach over and say, "give that to me." I would let Him have it for a moment or two but then would grab it back while I questioned His intentions. Again, He would lovingly say, "give it to me please. Let me take this burden from you and use it to make something beautiful of your brokeness."
Part of my hesitation in allowing God to do what He wanted was because I forgot the alphabet. Because I had never been in a situation quite like this one before, I did what everyone does, I Googled it and found that there was a myriad of opinions out there. What one said I should do, another said I shouldn't. One would predict one outcome, the other a completely opposite outcome. Both had years of experience, research and even Bible verses to back them. What was confusing was that none of them instructed me to do what had come to me initially in the first few moments of recognizing that I had a situation to deal with. I had just crumpled on the floor, looked up to heaven and said God, I don't know to do. I don't know what to say. Please help me!
God did not give me the whole plan up front like Google did. He gave me one instruction and then the next day, He added a little to it. And so it went, day by day by day and it was the exact oppposite of what Google had laid out for me. In fact, God is still leading me day by day as we walk the healing road. Many times the devil would come and taunt me, telling me that this was all going to explode right in my face, that I was being a fool to think that God was going to intervene in my situation when He obviously hadn't for so many others. And so I vasillated between believing that I had really heard God and thinking that I was just refusing to see the writing on the wall and wasn't facing reality.
Than God began to talk to me in prayer. One day, I sensed Him asking me to be quiet, in essence to just shut up already, and I realized that I had been going to God and telling Him what I so desperately needed, how things were supposed to look, what I was hoping the resolution would look like, how quickly I wanted it to happen, and reminding Him that I was asking according to His will and that it would glorify Him in the end. Prayers prayed in desperation must be accompanied by faith, not just hope, when asking and because I had already questioned God's intentions, they were mostly asked in desperate hope. When I finally did shut up He began to talk. He said, "I know what you need. I see your fragile heart, but it is stronger than you know because you see, I have taken the dust that was your heart before and I have made something new from it. Now, I want you to do what I told you in very beginning. I know it flies in the face of conventional Christian opinion. I know Google doesn't agree but don't forget, God comes before Google. I know it sounds crazy. I know it puts you in a position so vulnerable that it's terrifying to you, but that's okay. I just want you to entrust me with your life. Remember, I have instructed you to "not be anxious about your life." Even if the very worst scenario that you could imagine happens, you will be okay because you are not who you were when this all started. I want you to count the cost of following me in this situation and make a decision and once you have made the decision to let me have this, I don't want you to ever look back and question if you made the right decision. I have told you what is best. Follow me."
Then one Saturday night, I could not sleep. After trying everything I knew to go to sleep, it dawned on me that maybe the Lord had me awake for a reason so I asked Him and He said to me, "it's time. Tell it goodbye and give it to me. You've been able to make absolutely no headway as long as you've had it in your hands. Make the decision and believe that my grace is sufficient, my power knows no bounds, and I have only your good in mind in anything that might come in the future. As I have walked with you thus far, I will walk with you again. And so I did what the Lord asked of me. i gave it to him, with a little fear and trepidation, and promptly fell asleep.
The next morning I drove to church. During the morning worship service, a message in tongues was given. The interpretation was everything that the Lord had spoken to me the night before and in the days leading up to my decisions to finally let go of it and let Him take control. God confirmed that He had heard me the very first time as I lay crumpled on the floor and I had heard Him correctly, even in the midst of my confusion and pain. He didn't scold me for wasting so much time. He didn't chide me for being stubborn. He didn't demean me for being caught up in the weakness of my human flesh and intellect. He just poured His peace and a new resolve into my Spirit that I have never had before. I know He's doing something good. He's making me grow up in Him a little bit more and believe me, growing pains have been involved.
I learned a valuable lesson though. God is with us, even in the worst of times. God doesn't cause a lot of the bad things that happen to us, but He allows them for a righteous reason. He will still speak in a way that we can hear and understand. And He will help us with them IF we will trust Him enough to give them to Him. Surely He never leaves or forsakes us and He is help in times of trouble. Go to Him first. You won't be disappointed.